I feel like a blind pig finding an acorn. Or something like that. I am feeling very blessed, very lucky, and very humbled. OMPA, the Oregon Media Production Association that I am a member of, awarded me the 2012 “Rising Star” award. I was rather shocked and happy and freaked out all at the same time. The shock because I didn’t realize anyone was paying attention. Or that I was doing anything attention worthy. Happy because this is a great award and a fantastic honor to be recognized, especially when you think no one is looking. Freaked out because of several reasons all at once. The first feeling was – am I worthy of this? Am I really doing enough to merit such a recognition? The second being – Holy Crap I’m Being Judged And My Stuff Probably Sucks. But I say that all the time. The third feeling of freaking out was when I started getting emails from people asking me for work…not realizing that I am struggling every bit as much or more than they are. While I do remain busy, I remain so by choice and not by contract. Meaning I do as much paid work as I can, but it isn’t rolling in. I am still looking for the moment where I can get someone to take a chance on me based on my track record and either give me bigger commercial level gigs or fund some film projects. Either would be grand! I don’t blame folks for their assumption, but it affirms for me again the need to build a sustainable industry in this town. One that pays people who do this professionally. I know it can be done, and I know I want it that way for me.
I am sick of talking about it though. This is a reoccurring issue. That of making something. Even when I think I have people on board who feel the same way, I end up getting talkers and not do’ers.
I am trying to do it right. That is very important to me. I think a lot of corners could be cut, and a lot of easy choices could be made, and a lot of people could be hurt. I am not so self righteous, or self important, or self absorbed to think that I can stand on the back of giants so that I can stand higher than the rest, claiming the brilliance of my strategy. In the end, we either all work together or we don’t. I can’t make people do anything they don’t want to do, and if being more together is something that people like in theory and not in practice, then all I can do it beat my drum and hope for people wanting to stand side by side. Short cuts means you get to the end quicker. I’m not trying to get to any end quicker, I am enjoying the journey.
If you pace the isles waiting for the station to arrive, you never enjoy the scenery of the train ride. Enjoy the ride, DAMN IT!